Today was a fine day. My good friend, Professor Pimple Pants (no relation) sent me some ether through the mail with a note that read "Quit your silly glue sniffing and try this instead. It will knock your senses silly and your legs will feel like jelly!" I heard much about the effects of ether but never the opportunity to inhale it. I almost chuckled when I opened the package, and I rarely do chuckle. My students can attest to that. One time one of them came to class pant-less and I did my best to hold my laughter. My mustache did bristle and quiver a little bit. That can't be helped. Two things that I find hilarious without fail are pant-less people and monkeys and something has to give when I come into contact with either of them. Usually about 5 minutes spent doubled over laughing or, in this case, bristling whiskers. And don't get me started on an internet video of a chimp undressing his pants, I nearly died!
But hark! What is this below the package? Another envelope, from a Dr. Danger Mouse, my old college roommate, which is not his real name (we use code names for each other since our sophomore year; none of the other students knew what we were talking about all the time! Oh, what a laugh we had). I ripped the envelope open and there was only one line. It read "Check your email you fat, worthless technophobe primordial, half-way devolved chimp." I thoughtfully sat and sniffed glue as I tried to figure out what my username and password was.
Twenty five minutes later, after sifting through many, many emails, I found his message which was sent about eight months ago (I really should check my email more often). What I read shocked the pants out of me, (and when I looked down and found myself pant-less I fell into a fit of manic laughter) especially since I was wearing my spongebob undies. Quickly I put them back on and then remembered the email again and repeat cycle. This went on for nearly 6 hours.
The revelation that occurred, that shocked me into a cycle of involuntary pants-removing laughter bout, was that Jane Austen was terrible at grammar.. Yes, yes, she really was. Professor Kathryn Sutherland of Oxford University discovered this when she became the first person to study her original hand written manuscripts and what she found did not match the published account of Pride and Prejudice and that other silly one about a woman who didn't want to marry into a cushy life of landed gentry because her butt or her pride, I can never remember which, is too big to get out of the doorway. The style and punctuation was most likely her editor, a poor chap who had to put up with her nonsense for far too long.
The rest of the day was spent inhaling ether and, whenever I was able to come out of my drug-induced coma, emailing my female feminist-charged colleagues
I remain in your service,
Yours ever,
Professor Tangle Pants
1 comment:
Saranghaeyo Professor Tangle Pants!
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